Laugh out loud!

“Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.” – Mark Twain

100 Funniest Quotes“Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.” – Mark Twain

100 Funniest Quotes“I am an old man and have known a great many troubles, but most of them never happened.” – Mark Twain

100 Funniest Quotes“I am only human, although I regret it.” – Mark Twain

100 Funniest Quotes“I would have written a shorter letter, but I did not have the time.” – Mark Twain

100 Funniest Quotes“Never put off till tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.” – Mark Twain

100 Funniest Quotes“The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don’t want, drink what you don’t like, and do what you’d rather not.” – Mark Twain

100 Funniest Quotes“Worrying is like paying a debt you don’t owe.” – Mark Twain

100 Funniest Quotes“If you are going through hell, keep going.” – Winston Churchill

100 Funniest Quotes“Kites rise highest against the wind, not with it.” – Winston Churchill

100 Funniest Quotes“I am easily satisfied with the very best.” – Winston Churchill

100 Funniest Quotes“Success is stumbling from failure to failure with no loss of enthusiasm.” – Winston Churchill

100 Funniest Quotes“Personally, I’m always ready to learn, although I do not always like being taught.” – Winston Churchill

100 Funniest Quotes“The greatest lesson in life is to know that even fools are right sometimes.” – Winston Churchill

100 Funniest Quotes“I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter.” – Winston Churchill

100 Funniest Quotes“When you get a thing the way you want it, leave it alone.” – Winston Churchill

100 Funniest Quotes“If a woman walks with her head held high, she has a lover! If a woman keeps her head straight, she has a lover! Actually, if a woman has a head, she has a lover!” – Faina Ranevskaya

100 Funniest Quotes “Optimism is a lack of information.” – Faina Ranevskaya

100 Funniest Quotes“A fairy tale is when she married a frog, and he turned out to be a prince. And reality is when it’s the other way around.” – Faina Ranevskaya

100 Funniest Quotes“Dementia cannot be cured, but you can forget about it.” – Faina Ranevskaya

100 Funniest Quotes“Baldness is a slow but progressive transformation of the head into ass. First in form, and then in content.” – Faina Ranevskaya

100 Funniest Quotes“When I retire, I will do absolutely nothing. For the first months, I’ll just sit in a rocking chair. – And then? – And then I’ll start swinging.” – Faina Ranevsky

100 Funniest Quotes“I hate women because they always know where things are.” – Voltaire

100 Funniest Quotes“A great pleasure in life is doing what people say you cannot do.” – Walter Bagehot

100 Funniest Quotes“My doctor gave me six months to live, but when I couldn’t pay the bill he gave me six months more.” – Walter Matthau

100 Funniest Quotes“I’m such a good lover because I practice a lot on my own.” – Woody Allen

100 Funniest Quotes“Marriage is like mushrooms: we notice too late if they are good or bad.” – Woody Allen

100 Funniest Quotes“I used to be young and handsome, now I’m only handsome.” – Michael Kozakov

100 Funniest Quotes“Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.” – Oscar Wilde

100 Funniest Quotes“Always forgive your enemies – nothing annoys them so much.” – Oscar Wilde

100 Funniest Quotes“I can resist everything except temptation.” – Oscar Wilde

100 Funniest Quotes“Women are meant to be loved, not to be understood.” – Oscar Wilde

100 Funniest Quotes“People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day.” – A. A. Milne

100 Funniest Quotes“Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt.” – Abraham Lincoln

100 Funniest Quotes“The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.” – Abraham Lincoln

100 Funniest Quotes“Men marry women with the hope they will never change. Women marry men with the hope they will change. Invariably they are both disappointed.” – Albert Einstein

100 Funniest Quotes“The difference between stupidity and genius is that genius has its limits.” – Albert Einstein

100 Funniest Quotes“All the things I really like to do are either immoral, illegal or fattening.” – Alexander Woollcott

100 Funniest Quotes“At every party there are two kinds of people – those who want to go home and those who don’t. The trouble is they are usually married to each other.” – Ann Landers

100 Funniest Quotes“If you want your children to listen, try talking softly to someone else.” – Ann Landers

100 Funniest Quotes“I don’t believe in astrology; I’m a Sagittarius and we’re skeptical.” – Arthur C. Clarke

100 Funniest Quotes“My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I’m right.” – Ashleigh Brilliant

100 Funniest Quotes“Have you noticed that all the people in favor of birth control are already born?” – Benny Hill

100 Funniest Quotes“Everything that used to be a sin is now a disease.” – Bill Maher

100 Funniest Quotes“The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us.” – Bill Watterson

100 Funniest Quotes“A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don’t need it.” – Bob Hope

100 Funniest Quotes“All right everyone, line up alphabetically according to your height.” – Casey Stengel

100 Funniest Quotes“I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early.” – Charles Lamb

100 Funniest Quotes“By the time a man realizes that his father was right, he has a son who thinks he’s wrong.” – Charles Wadsworth

100 Funniest Quotes“When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President. I’m beginning to believe it.” – Clarence Darrow

100 Funniest Quotes“A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, ‘At my age, I don’t even buy green bananas.’” – Claude Pepper

100 Funniest Quotes“Starbucks says they are going to start putting religious quotes on cups. The very first one will say, ‘Jesus! This cup is expensive!’” – Conan O’Brien

100 Funniest Quotes“Laughing at our mistakes can lengthen our own life. Laughing at someone else’s can shorten it.” – Cullen Hightower

100 Funniest Quotes“If you think you are too small to make a difference, try sleeping with a mosquito.” – Dalai Lama

100 Funniest Quotes“Remember, today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.” – Dale Carnegie

100 Funniest Quotes“Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.” – Dave Barry

100 Funniest Quotes“Biologically speaking, if something bites you it’s more likely to be female.” – Desmond Morris

100 Funniest Quotes“The cure for boredom is curiosity. There is no cure for curiosity.” – Dorothy Parker

100 Funniest Quotes“To err is human; to admit it, superhuman.” – Doug Larson

100 Funniest Quotes“I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that I don’t know the answer.” – Douglas Adams

100 Funniest Quotes“I was born to make mistakes, not to fake perfection.” – Drake

100 Funniest Quotes“If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.” – Earl Wilson

100 Funniest Quotes“How many people here have telekinetic powers? Raise my hand.” – Emo Philips

100 Funniest Quotes“Good advice is something a man gives when he is too old to set a bad example.” – Francois de La Rochefoucauld

100 Funniest Quotes“The first time I sang in the church choir; two hundred people changed their religion.” – Fred Allen

100 Funniest Quotes“Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.” – George Burns

100 Funniest Quotes“I’m in shape. Round is a shape.” – George Carlin

100 Funniest Quotes“Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t know where to shop.” – Gertrude Stein

100 Funniest Quotes“Here’s to our wives and girlfriends…may they never meet!” – Groucho Marx

100 Funniest Quotes“If you find it hard to laugh at yourself, I would be happy to do it for you.” – Groucho Marx

100 Funniest Quotes“The two most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.” – Harlan Ellison

100 Funniest Quotes“It’s a recession when your neighbour loses his job; it’s a depression when you lose yours.” – Harry S. Truman

100 Funniest Quotes“Life begins at 40 – but so do fallen arches, rheumatism, faulty eyesight, and the tendency to tell a story to the same person, three or four times.” – Helen Rowland

100 Funniest Quotes“People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do.” – Isaac Asimov

100 Funniest Quotes“My wife Mary and I have been married for forty-seven years and not once have we had an argument serious enough to consider divorce; murder, yes, but divorce, never.” – Jack Benny

100 Funniest Quotes“Why is there so much month left at the end of the money?” – John Barrymore

100 Funniest Quotes“Life moves pretty fast. If you don’t stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it.” – John Hughes

100 Funniest Quotes“A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.” – Lana Turner

100 Funniest Quotes“I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.” – Lily Tomlin

100 Funniest Quotes“The road to success is always under construction.” – Lily Tomlin

100 Funniest Quotes“Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else.” – Margaret Mead

100 Funniest Quotes“Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.” – Miles Kington

100 Funniest Quotes“A committee is a group that keeps minutes and loses hours.” – Milton Berle

100 Funniest Quotes“My doctor told me that jogging could add years to my life. I think he was right. I feel ten years older already.” – Milton Berle

100 Funniest Quotes“The only time a woman really succeeds in changing a man is when he is a baby.” – Natalie Wood

100 Funniest Quotes“As you get older three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can’t remember the other two.” – Norman Wisdom

100 Funniest Quotes“If you must make a noise, make it quietly.” – Oliver Hardy

100 Funniest Quotes“Man has his will, but woman has her way.” – Oliver Wendell Holmes Sr.

100 Funniest Quotes“Of all the things I’ve lost I miss my mind the most.” – Ozzy Osbourne

100 Funniest Quotes“The only reason some people get lost in thought is because it’s unfamiliar territory.” – Paul Fix

100 Funniest Quotes“To err is human, but to really foul things up you need a computer.” – Paul R. Ehrlich

100 Funniest Quotes“When a man opens a car door for his wife, it’s either a new car or a new wife.” – Prince Philip

100 Funniest Quotes“Life is a sexually transmitted disease.” – R. D. Laing

100 Funniest Quotes“Lead me not into temptation; I can find the way myself.” – Rita Mae Brown

100 Funniest Quotes“When I eventually met Mr. Right I had no idea that his first name was Always.” – Rita Rudner

100 Funniest Quotes“By working faithfully eight hours a day you may eventually get to be boss and work twelve hours a day.” – Robert Frost

100 Funniest Quotes“Older people shouldn’t eat health food, they need all the preservatives they can get.” – Robert Orben

100 Funniest Quotes“Have no fear of perfection. You’ll never reach it.” – Salvador Dali

100 Funniest Quotes“A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.” – Steven Wright

100 Funniest Quotes“To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.” – Steven Wright

100 Funniest Quotes“If you laugh 20 min a day it adds extra 5 years to your life to spend at nursing home at $5,000 per month.” – Unknown

100 Funniest Quotes

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